Ducks are natural-born comedians.

Here are some clean duck jokes, submitted by Live Ducks fans like you!

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What time does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

- Submitted by Sarah Walkley

A large group of ducks gather in a circle. One duck stood up and walked around the circle patting every duck on the head chanting duck, duck, duck, GOOSE! The one that was patted on the head last started to cry. All the other ducks asked why? The tearful waterfowl replied, "It's true!"

- Submitted by Adam Hewett

Why don't you ever bring a duck with you into the washroom?

Because it might be "a Pekin"!!

- By "Crispy Cookie's" brother

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in the oven till it's Bill Withers


[ For those of your who are too young to know the Bill: Click here ]

How do you get down from a duck?

A ladder! :>

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"

A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey where'd you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
and the bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"

What does a duck get after he eats?

A bill

What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?

A duck-filled-fatty-pus

Why did the duck cross the park?

To get to the other slide

Can you say "Richard and Robert had a rabbit" - without using the "r" sound?

Solution: "Dick and Bob had a bunny!"

If you have two ducks in front of two ducks and two ducks behind two ducks and two ducks between two ducks, how many ducks do you have?

(Solution: See answer "1" at the bottom of page)

What does a duck eat with soup?


What do you call two ducks and a cow?

Quackers and milk!

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn. The bartender says "We have no corn, get out of here." So the duck leaves. The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any corn! Get out!" So the duck leaves. The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have corn! If you ever come back, I'm going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?" The duck then says, "Good. Can I have some corn?

What happens when a duck flies upside down?

It quacks up

What did the duck say when he went shopping?

Put it on my bill

Two monsters went duck-hunting with their dogs but without success. "I know what we're doing wrong," said the first one. "What's that then?" asked the second. "We're not throwing the dogs high enough!"

What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?

A difference of a pinion

A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low-flying airplane coming right for them. The man yells "DUCK!!!!" and the duck looks back at the man with an angry face and yells "MAN!!!!"

"Doctor, doctor, my wife thinks she's a duck."

"You better bring her in to see me straight away."

"I can't do that - she's already flown south for the winter."

Three guys had an accident and went straight to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

They entered heaven and sure enough there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the homeliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this homely woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely homely woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to a horrible looking woman was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!

There was a barman who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!"


Answer 1: 4

I'm on the lookout for family friendly duck jokes to add to this page so contact me on Facebook if you'd like to share one snf include the original source if possible.

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